The holidays are usually a time for cheer and laughter. Excitement and love...especially being a new parent of a wonderful little boy. And for sure it will be. The holidays for the new parent are a whole new ballgame.
But we are not only new parents. We are also bereaved parents. And that throws a whole different perspective on the holidays.
Things were supposed to be so different. We were supposed to be frazzled and probably out of our minds. We were supposed to be exhausted. We were supposed to be overwhelmed by juggling two little boys. Instead we are overwhelmed by juggling immense gratitude for the health of one and for the ability to watch him grow...and the incredible grief of losing another. We were supposed to be buying them both toys.
It was supposed to be different.
There are so many things to be thankful for. Noah is the biggest blessing I could have ever asked for. And I am very thankful for having had Charlie in my life. Such an amazing boy. But I can't get past what these holidays could have been. I am trying to keep a smile on my face, get through each day, but my heart is broken. I will do my best to enjoy what I can, and remember that Charlie is in a good place...even if my selfish heart wishes he were here with me.
Please be patient with me in the coming weeks. I burst into tears at the drop of a hat...I withdraw easily...and now you understand. I know I will never be the same person again...but hopefully I can be close to that. Just be patient. I'll be back.