Friday, May 20, 2011


I can't believe an entire year has gone by since we said goodbye to Charlie. The memories keep surfacing, like flashbacks, breaking my heart all over again as I relive them.

I remember starting out the day with the hope of weaning him off of the ecmo. I remember the delight at how well he was doing at first only to begin tanking towards the end of the clamping off. I remember feeling the dread as they confirmed he had had a stroke, and that we were out of choices. I remember reading him Love You Forever, and wishing the doctors and nurses would just leave the room for a little bit so we could be alone. I remember tears flowing as I said the words, as I selfishly begged him to keep fighting. I remember seeing everyone's Facebook status change to "Praying for Charlie".

I remember the look on Dr. Su's face as she walked in to tell us he was crashing, and this time, his chances were minimal. I remember asking our families to leave the room, then breaking down knowing we couldn't keep putting our son through this. I remember telling them we had decided to stop.

I remember holding Noah tightly as we sat outside the nurse's station, waiting to be called in to his room. I remember alarms ringing and people running into his room. I remember being pulled into the room as they restarted his heart one last time so that we could say good-bye. I remember the surgeons frantically putting a plastic cover over his open chest so we could hold him. I remember putting on surgical blue gowns over our clothes so we wouldn't get blood on them.

I remember my heart hammering as I stepped towards the warmer, hesitating. I remember the nurse shooing away Dr. Sinha, picking up Charlie with one hand and pressing him into my chest. I remember the tears flowing as I stared blankly at the monitors, saying his heart rate was 100...then 70...then 50...then they were turned off. I remember staring at my cold, sweet baby, in the midst of his blood all over the table..the lap.

I remember family coming in to say goodbye. I remember them making his hand mold. I remember wondering how I could ever get the strength to leave the hospital without Charlie with me. I remember staring blankly at three bags full of small bottles of frozen breastmilk and wondering what the hell I'd ever do with them.

I remember wondering how I could ever go on after losing so much.

Could this have really have happened an entire year ago?? Feels like yesterday, the way the memories keep coming back.

I miss you, Charlie. I'm sorry your life was filled with pain. I'm sorry you aren't here now.

I love you...and I'll always remember you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Chincoteague Island, VA


  1. oh marina!! i hope you are able to feel how much love and support everyone are sending you! i wish i could be with you at this time :( charlie was/IS so blessed to have had you guys as his parents (as i know you guys were just as blessed to have had him for your son)!! love you guys!

  2. Charlie's life was also filled with love. Remember that. Both things are true--there was pain, and there was love. God bless you all! Thank you for sharing this testament of your love and grief with all of us.